disappointment

I totally feel like a disappointment to my family. I totally feel like I do not have any direction in life. I feel so useless. Everything that has been happening in my life made me feel as if I have not done anything right. And what hurts more is that I know that there is no one to be blamed but myself. 

I have checked my systemone and I was shocked to know that they still offered me the only subject that I have taken last summer. Though, I am still not sure if I got a 5 or 4, still, it is disappointing. 

These are the times that things like killing myself pops in my head. It is not just about my academic life. You see, when I feel that I, again, have failed in something... a series of events that show how I have become a total loser flash in my mind. These would then make me feel more useless and knowing that I could have done great is the last blow that totally break my spirit. 

I just want to cry, hoping that in doing so the hate I feel for myself would just disappear. I do not want to be like this. I was not like this. I am not like this. 

So far, this day have already rocked my world. I do not what to expect next, maybe more bad news will come or maybe not. I do not know. I do not care. All I know is I am really sick and tired of being a disappointment. I do want to feel good about myself once again. I want feel my worth not just as a student but as an individual. From now on, I will give my best in everything that I do. 

"Hindi pwedeng 'pwede na'... dapat iyong best."

#junewish

One of the Top Trends on Twitter is one's wish this coming June. I have read a lot of people's June wishes but my favorite is the one asking for a bigger mind and bigger heart. I would also love to have a bigger mind so I will not act like that of yesterday. Reading my post about how annoyed I am made me realized how childish I have reacted. Well, of course one cannot deny me the freedom to be annoyed at someone but what I did yesterday seemed a little too exaggerated. I also would love to have a bigger heart so I can welcome more people to be part of my life and maybe, be able to express how I love and care for them.

But you know, my one true wish this coming June is to finally finish college. I only have 12 units to go and that includes my thesis that I haven't started yet. I am really dying to get outta here. You see, all of my long time friends are now moving forward with their lives. Some have jobs already while others are now looking for their dream job. They are now chasing their dreams, they are now doing something. Of course I am happy for them but then again, I cannot help but to feel sad for myself because here I am still standing where they have left me. 

Strike Three

Garbe lang. Strike three kana sa akin. Wala na. Ayoko na talaga. Nakakairita ka na. Sana man lang hindi ka paasa diba? Mahirap ba iyong iinform mo lang ako kung ano na mangyayari? Mahirap ba iyon, ha? Alam mo, hindi lang naman sa iyo ako ganito... ganito ako sa lahat ng friends ko. Iyong tipong naiinis ako kapag may sinabi silang gagawin or magpaplano ng event iyon pala hindi man lang itutuloy tapos ang malala pa ay iyong hindi ka man lang pasasabihan na hindi na pala tuloy. Ayoko kasi talaga ng pinag-aantay ako sa wala. Patient naman akong tao kung alam kung may patutunguhan ang bagay na inaantay ko. Pero iyong ganito na feeling ko ay nag-aantay na ako sa wala... sobrang nakakabadtrip lang talaga. At ang masama pa, eh, hindi ako titigil sa kakahintay hanggat hindi ko naririnig sa taong nagplano ng event na tumigil na ako dahil hindi na tuloy or wala na akong aasahan pa. 

Maiitindihan ko naman kahit na ano pa ang rason mo, eh. Kahit sabihin mo na tinatamad ka na kaya ayaw mo na, okay lang sa akin iyon... maiintindihan ko. Pero iyong paasahin pa ako hanggang sa matapos na lang ang araw, iyon ang hindi ko kaya. Kainis lang talaga. Ewan. Hindi ko na alam ang dapat 'kong isipin. Magtatago na lang siguro ako. Iiwas na lang siguro. Bahala na. Basta hindi na muna siguro ako magpaparamdam buong week or month or maybe forever. Hahayaan na lang kita sa buhay mo. 

in vain

Strike two. It's just so tiring to wait. Sabi na nga ba hindi dapat sobrang inaanticipate ang isang bagay kasi it is so nerve breaking kapag hindi iyon natuloy o dumating. Ang nakakainis pa is the fact na nag-eeffort ka talaga to make the thing possible tapos hindi rin pala matutuloy. Hay, hindi ko lang maitago iyong pagkainis. 

flashes of lightnings

I used to admire and at the same time felt good about the kind of ambiance the rainy season brings. It is, for me, the time when one does not need to sweat when doing something and therefore, be more encouraged in doing more stuffs or activities. It has always been the time that I could totally feel relax and at peace. Nothing has changed much, really. Maybe the only change that happened is that I am now afraid of thunder and lightning. You know, back when I was a kid those two did not scare me at all. They were like music to my ears and that if it is raining and those two weren't there, it is as if there is something wrong. I do not know if this is a good thing that I, finally, have been honest to myself to say that there are things that scare me. And two of those are, like I said, thunder and lightning. 

I have always believe in projecting and believing that I am a strong person. The reason for this is because I do not like the feeling of being pitied and so, I would always do things my way. I would not seek for help in case I am truly not sure with what I am doing. I am not the type of person who will share my emotions and stories to every person I know because I believe that the act is something to be considered as a display of weakness. If I am in such terrible pain, I would rather pretend that I am okay than to let people see that I am hurting.

Where the hell did I learn these things? Well, that is exactly my question! Where could I have learned such stuffs like these??? Because no matter how hard I try to get them outta my system, I just could not do it. Being part of my principles in life, these things are so very hard to eradicate. My only consolation is the fact that at least, I am trying to change these beliefs and the process just keeps on getting better and better every day.

gender

Someone once told me that gender can be likened to water. It shifts every now and then to whatever feeling you have at the moment. It is subject to the changes in your mood and the condition you are in. You can never really tell what you would be like next. 

As for me, gender is not a big deal as long as you stay true to yourself. This is why I really cannot understand those people who cannot stand the thought of being around with LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered) people. Anyway, like I said it is not a big deal and has always been like that well, until I started wondering about mine.

Are you gay, lesbian, or straight?..
I was really shocked with the results...

What you saw above is the result of a quiz I have taken. Now, at first it was just because of pure curiosity. But as I have read the results it got me thinking. You see, this is not the first time that I wondered about my sexuality. I honestly thought that I have a tendency to become a bisexual for I often caught myself having a crush on girls but never did I imagine that I am gay and so, this result really shocked me. But like I am not not fully convinced. First, I am really not sure if the test is reliable  or not. Second, the percentage that it shows is just 42%. And lastly, I still think that I am straight! Haha. And I guess, as long as I believe that I know that nothing not even a test that I just got from the internet would change that. LOLS. 

Sacrificing

Today, I received a message from my younger sister saying that I should quit sending my clothes to laundry shops and that I should wash my clothes on my own. It kinda was shocked to hear that from her. You see, before that we were exchanging messages about about nonsense things and out of the blue she told me that. So I asked her what made her say that and then she told met that it was because she was able to talked to our mother who told her that we are facing really serious financial problems.

I do not know what to say. Yeah, I know we weren't blessed with lots of money but I really do not have any idea that our situation is getting worse. Well, I am partly to blame for not asking our mother about what is happening to them their at home but I was kinda expecting that if their is something wrong they would tell me about it. To my dismay, I have learned that our mother is the one who is telling my siblings not to tell me about everything. Since I was far away from home, she did not want to cause any additional distraction to my studies. She just want me to think that everything is fine and that I should not worry about them. But little did she know that her way of letting me focus in my studies by not telling me anything about their real situation does not help a bit.

Why? Simple, if they tell me that everything is okay I would not feel any pressure. If I'm not feeling any pressure I will just be relaxed and will take things lightly. If I take things lightly, even my studies, I would not be aiming to graduate on the earliest date possible. You see, lately I have realized that even if I am already extended I have this feeling that I have not done much for me to say that my college life is meaningful. I truly think that something is lacking, that there is something that I haven't done yet. And because I am going for my 5th year in college, I would like my extended year to be worthwhile and meaningful by engaging to other stuffs that I like. But thanks to my younger sister, I was informed that all my plans is not right for our family's situation. Actually, I am confuse. I still want to extend my stay in college and experience more than what I have been experiencing for the last 4 years but listening to what my sister is saying and imagining the condition of my family is painful enough to make me think otherwise. 

Pangarap lang Kita

Do you like someone? Iyong tipong nagdaday- dream ka about sa kanya. Iyong tipo na parang kahit saan ka pumunta ay lagi mo siyang nakikita. Iyong tipo na pagnasa malapit lang siya ay hindi kana mapakali? Para bang nayanig ang buong mundo sa tuwing makakasabay o masasalubong mo siya. Tuwang-tuwa ka na tipong nagtatatalon na ang puso mo kapag sa tingin mo ay napapansin ka niya kahit ang totoo ay iyong katabi o kasabay mo ang nginitian nya.

Well, I guess, lahat tayo ay dumadaan diyan. Lahat tayo nararanasang kiligin at kiligin pa nang todo sa tuwing makikita o maaalala natin ang taong gusto natin. Swerte kung gusto ka rin nya. Swerte kung meron kang lakas ng loob para ipagtapat sa kanya ang lahat and at the end ay magiging kayo. Swerte kung ang kakiligan at ang pag-ibig na nararamdaman ay mayroon ding katumbas na tunay at wakas na pagmamahal (naks!).

Kaya lang, kung may taong swerte syempre meron ding taong malas. Ito ay ang mga taong unang-una ay walang lakas nang loob upang umamin. O kaya naman ay mayroon ngang lakas ng loob na umamin iyon nga lang ay hindi naman pala sila type nang taong gusto nila. Pero wala nang mas mamalas pa sa taong kapag umamin na nga malalaman pang hindi pala sila talo ng taong gusto nila (nyak). 

Kaya naman marami sa atin ang ngangarap na lang. Iyong tipong dreams are our reality na. Bakit? Kasi nga sa pangarap lang nagkakatotoo ang mga bagay na sa reyalidad ay walang tiyansang maisakatuparan. Masakit,  oo, pero wala kang magagawa, wala tayong magagawa. Baka talagang hanggang doon na lang, baka talagang hindi na pwede, baka talagang hanggang pangarap na lang siya.

But you know what, minsan dreams do come true. Sabi nga, all people that made a difference in history were people who were once dreamers that made their dreams turn into a reality by having the courage to believe in themselves and by trying to turn what seems to be impossible possible.

My point? Wala. Sa hinaba-haba nang sinabi ko wala naman talaga akong gustong i-share sa inyo na bago kasi this thing that I'm saying is not new to you. It is something  na alam na nang lahat. It's just something na ang kailangan lang ay ulit-ulitin sa isang tao para talagang magsink-in na sa kanya. If there is one thing that I would like to share, ito iyon (the title of the song is "Pangarap Lang Kita" by Parokya ni Edgar ft. Happee Sy):

See, minsan the courage to try lang ang kailangan. Anong malay mo ready na pala ang lahat, ikaw na lang pala ang inaantay. *wink*

Challenge #001. Day Six

FIVE PEOPLE WHO MEAN A LOT TO YOU (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OR WHATSOEVER):

- Nanay
- Kit
- Dodoy
- Ging
- Kuya

Challenge #001. Day Five

SIX THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D NEVER DONE:

1. Joined a networking company -  for it really ruined my studies.
2. Quit the choir - it was one of the sources of my joy.
3. Avoided some persons - I thought they were mad at me.
4. Quit drinking - I miss the old bonding times with my drinking friends.
5. Said 'NO' to him - maybe we are together today.
6. Quit writing - now, I need to start all over.

Different Ways on How to Avoid Boredom Given Different Scenarios

SUMMER, what a lovely time to be out in the beach and have some fun with your family, friends, and with your special someone. It is the season to be jolly and a time to wear those swimming outfits that are just dying for you to be worn.

But summer is not for everybody. Is you are one of the people who find summer as the most boring time of the year, then you are in for a big treat. This article will try to give you some points or ideas on how to spend and enjoy your summer. I have identified different scenarios and offer you ways on how to keep you alive and kicking.

SCENE #1:  If you were dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend before or during this summer.

If you are the type of person who would want to dwell in the loneliness and bitterness of your situation a.k.a. of being dumped, then summer wouldn't be a problem. I mean, you probably stay inside the house and cry your eyes out. However, if you are the kind of person who would not want to linger and experience more pain by actually entertaining it and would want to distract yourself, then I suggest that you:

1. Make a list of the things you have longed to do but just can't because you were so busy before (probably because you were in a relationship). Pick the activities that you think can distract you from thinking about the break-up.

2. Build a new network of friends. 

3. Visit different places, enjoy the freedom.

4. Try something that you haven't tried before.

5. Mingle with your old friends.

SCENE #2: If you are alone for this summer.

You're single. You have not been into any relationship yet and you are all alone in your apartment for this summer. You are not that fond in going to the beach or going anywhere for that matter for your job requires you to stay where you are. Your only free time is during the weekends and you would rather spend it in the house than anywhere else. Here are my suggestions to have that one of a hell vacation during weekends:

1. Cook food and invite friends to come over. There is nothing more relaxing than to spend your free time with the ones you love.

2. Watch movies! Need I say more?

3. Read books. Broaden your nutshell by engaging into an activity that would give you new things to think about.

4. Sleep. Make-up for those sleepless nights you have been doing and get some more ZZzzss.

5. Clean the house. Since you are staying for the weekends, try to set the place for relaxation.


SCENE #3: If you are lonely.

Being alone and being lonely are two different stuffs. When you say you are lonely it does not necessarily mean that you are alone. There are times in one's life that even if you are being surrounded by too many people you still felt that you are being left out and thus, feel lonely.

1. Think of the things that will make you happy and do them. Loneliness resides on the hearts of those people who cannot make-out the very thing that is missing in their life. So, try to find that something.
2. Reflect. Summer is the perfect time to think over and reflect on the things that you really need and would make you happy.
3. Engage in social activities. People are a good help to ease the pain of being lonely. They are like anecdotes to a heart that has been soaked with tears.

Challenge #001. Day Four

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS YOUR MIND A LOT:

1. Him - If you like someone, you would think of him often, right? So need I say more?
2. Thesis - The key to my graduation. Must start it soon.
3. Money - So I can make the world go round.
4. Activities - To keep me company during this boring summer.
5. Articles - I have been thinking of making it a habit to enter at least 3 articles in my blog per day.
6. Graduation - I long to leave this campus because it's killing me already.
7. Food - who wouldn't, right? *laughs*

Happy Tree Friends

This is a video which I learned from a friend. At first I was shocked about its concept but as a watched two to five more videos... I kinda started to like it. So, here is one of the videos that I have enjoyed. Hope, you'll like it. *smiles*

source: www.happytreefriends.com

Hidden Meanings

Just happened to read a tweet from someone I am following. He asked his followers to do two things: (1) To write one's favorite color and the reason why he/she likes it and (2) To write one's favorite animal and the qualities of that animal why he/she likes it. Mine are the following:

COLOR: Yellow
Reasons: it energizes, gives me the feeling that I am alive, it's bright and something positive, sort of a source of strength

ANIMAL: Dog
Reasons: it's loyal, sweet, cheers you up when your down, comforts you, never leave your side, you can always count on, stress reliever


Meanings:
COLOR: these are the qualities/traits that you subconsciously see in yourself
ANIMAL: qualities/traits that others see in you

Challenge #001. Day Three

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART:

1. Make me laugh.

- I like guys who have sense of humor. A guy that can make very simple things into something incredible and fun only shows he won't bore me to death by just talking of things that I could not relate to or understand.

2. Be a man.

- A lot of guys nowadays only know how to make porma but little did they know how to make a man out of themselves. I have a friend who is so good looking and sobrang magaling pumorma. That friend of mine courted me once but nothing happened. Why? It is because I find him as someone na hindi ako kayang ipagtannggol pagnagkagulo na.

3. Just be yourself.

- I believe that if someone is going to like me that someone must like me for who I am. In the same way I want a guy to be who he really is around me. I do not look up to those individuals who pretend to be someone they are not just to make girls like them.

4. No flowers. No stuffed toys.

- Yes, I do not like flowers and stuffed toys.Why? I find them unpractical and just a waste of money. Flowers wilt and stuffed toys are, well, uneconomical. What then would you give me? Food. I love to eat. That is why one of the ways to my heart is food. I adore guys who can cook and I would really appreciate it if someone would cook for me. 

5. Be a gentleman.

- Rarely do I find a gentleman nowadays. It sucks to know that guys do not treat girls with care anymore. What is a gentleman for me? The typical. You know, the one who opens and close the door for you. The one who, when walking, would stay at the side near the road and let you stay at the safer side. 

6. Court me.

- Call me old fashioned or whatsoever. I do not care. I still want to be courted and experience the feeling of being like Juliet. You know, all those sweet words whispered in your ears or all those things we would give and do for you to win you over. Those things are cool and romantic and I do not want to miss them.

7. Brains. Brains. Brains.

- It is important that he is not stupid. Who would want that her guy to be a total idiot, right? No one. That is why I would prefer someone who is a jack-of-all-trades. He does not need to be super smart, he does not need to be a genius, he just needs to be someone who has a slice of everything. Haha.

8. No vices.

- Well, this is kinda the hard part. In this generation, seldom will you see someone who has no vices but my hopes are still here. I still believe that I will meet someone. 

New Sem's Resolution

Dahil sa pangyayari ngayong araw, naisipan kong gumawa ng list of things that I wanna change about myself. At dahil tapos na ang New Year at ang nalalapit ay ang pasukan, tatawagin ko na lang itong New Sem's Resolution. Yeah, korni. Hayaan nyo na. First time kong ipopost at ipapabasa sa ibang tao ang mga bagay na nais kong baguhin sa aking sarili. Siguro dahil na din ito sa feeling ko ay wala rin naman nagbabasa talaga ng mga post ko kaya oki lang. Hehe. 

So, here it is. The list:

1. Magpapataba

2. Magiging sweet

3. Magiging mas aggressive

4. Magiging mas confident

5. Magiging mas well mannered

6. Babawasan ang pagiging selfish

7. Magdedevote ng time for other activities (e.g. being with other people) instead of just staying home

8. Magtatake up ng paino lessons

9. Magpapaturo lumangoy

10. Magiging mas mature mag- isip

11. Magiging mas responsible

12. Mas magfofocus

Updates will be posted kung nagagawa ko nga ang mga iyan. Wish me luck. *smiles*

Truth

The truth hurts. It is a given fact and everyone knows that. I know that. But still, hearing it from someone who is saying it to you face to face is painful. Just this afternoon, I got slap at the face. Not literally, though. 

What the person said is something that is not new to me but hearing it from that person really hurt me. I never know that I am unconsciously hurting that person's feelings already. A hurt which lead that someone to say how that person, uhm, I do not know... hated me, I guess. We're good. We really are. So, I was really shock to hear those words from that person. I wish that someone have said that earlier or some other time not today because I am really not set for a criticism. Anyway, it has been all said and done and I guess the only thing left for me to do is move on with it and try to be a better person. 

For some of you who are curious if what that someone said, here are the things that really struck me most:

- Stay away from the heat

- Don't be too selfish. Think of other's feelings

- Stay crazy but not stupid

I do not want to elaborate. 

BANAT 001

HERE ARE SOME QUOTATIONS THAT WILL SURELY MAKE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE SMILE:

"Help me naman. May alam ka bang pampalaglag? 

Ang tindi na kasi ng kapit mo sa puso ko."

***

"Kailangan ko na yatang magpacheck-up...

...may nararamdaman na kasi ako sayo, eh."

***

"Lumabo man ang mata ko, 

mananatili pa ring malinaw ang pagtingin ko sa iyo."

***

"Kahit hindi ako ang mahal mo, basta't single ka...

...panatag na ako."

***

"Ano ang gagawin mo sa taong unconscious? TITIGAN.

Titigan mo nang titigan para maconscious."

***

"Kung trabaho lang ang pagtitig sa iyo,

malamang mayaman na ako."

***

"Normal naman akong tao, pero bakit kapag naiisip kita...

NABABALIW ako?"

***

"Huwag mo ng subukan basahin ang laman ng puso't isipan ko...

Baka magsawa ka kakabasa sa mismong pangalan mo."

***

"Nahulog ka sa puno. Nahulog ka sa bubong.

Nahulog ka sa hagdan. Nahulog ka sa bangin.

Ano ang problema ng gravity?

Bakit hindi ka mahulog sa akin?"

***

"If you don't want temptation to come to you...

...medyo dumistansya ka sa akin."

***

"Huwag mo masydo tamisan ang ngiti mo,

baka hindi ko mamalayang nakahalik na ako sa iyo."

***

"Kung feeling mo may kulang sa iyo, pacheck mo... 

...baka nawawala ako."

***

"Kung may mahal ka, 

pakialam ko! 

Buti sana kung ako iyon, matutuwa pa ako."

***

"Sabi nila nasa dibdib daw ang puso,

bakit iyong sa akin nasa iyo?"

***

"Kung naghihintay ka ng taong magmamahal sa iyo,

sandali lang! Kagigising ko lang.

Huwag kang excited!"

Challenge #001. Day Two

NINE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. KURIPOT - I have always been like this with money. Himala na talaga kapag nanlibre ako. Ang sakin kasi, hindi ko naman iyon pera dahil pera iyon ng Nanay ko. So why would I waste in things na hindi naman talaga kailangan. Siguro manlilibre na lang ako kapag ang perang gagamitin ko sa panglilibre ay pera ko na. Kaya sa mga prends ko, dahil can't afford ko magbigay sa inyo ng libre ang binibigay ko nalang ay time ko. Ika nga nila "Time is Gold" and I believe that. Being able to offer someone your time is more than treating and giving him all his or her whims. 

2. TAHIMIK at SABOG - Tahimik akong tao. Nagsasalita lang kapag kelangan na ang opinyon ko. Pero ganyan ako kapag hindi pa tayo close. Dahil pagclose na tayo, get ready kasi mababaliw ka sa pagiging sabog at adik ko. Don't try to think na gawa-gawa ko lang ito kasi these are based form the testimonies of those who really know me. Nawiwindang na lang sila sa mga ideas at pinagsasabi ko.

3. RELAX at CRAMMER - madalas mo akong makitang relax. Iyon ay dahil inaantay ko munang matambakan ako ng trabaho. Gusto ko kasi na isang trabaho nalang. Iyong tipong isang puyatan nalang. Dati, noong high school, okay lang iyon kasi I am able to finish them even if ganoon ang attitude ko but when I'm already in college hindi na. Ang dami ko tuloy incomplete na subjects. Ngayon nga ay sinusubukan ko ng itigil ang kahibangan kong iyon.

4. WALANG PAKIALAM - yeah, that's me. I really do not give a damn to what other people will say, esp. when it comes to my outfit. For me, being comfortable with what you are wearing is more important than what other people might think about you. When it comes to other people's  feelings wala rin akong pakialam. I would say what I want to say if the situation calls for it. Don't get me wrong I am not a war-freak. Ang sa akin lang ay dapat nilang marinig kung ano ang dapat nilang marinig. 

5. MA-PRIDE - sobra! There are things that I really would not do if my pride is at stake. This is one of the qualities I really want to change about myself. Aside from the fact that it is one of the capital sins, it is really of no help in achieving something.

6. NO ROMANTIC BONE - for me, being sweet and caring is a sign of weakness. I do not know where I got that stupid idea. I was, probably, able to develop that when I was a child. Having to grow up with that belief made it difficult for me to express my true feelings for the people who are special to me. Now that I am older I know that being sweet and caring are such good qualities that someone must have and that is why I am really working my way to be able to do and make them part of who I am.

7. IN DENIAL - when it comes to guys, gustong-gusto ko silang kasama. It is because they are fun to be with. No gossips. No panglalaet. No plastikan. Only laughter and fun. Kaya naman I consider myself to be one of the boys. The problem with that is dahil sa masyado na akong nasanay sa mga kalokohan nila, I do not take them seriously at all. So, if someone already likes me and made an effort to indirectly show the feelings he have, I would definitely not notice it. Or if napapansin ko na na may feelings nga sya sa akin I would immediately erase that idea from my mind and say to myself that I am thinking nonsense.

8. IYAKIN? - I do not know how to classify this. You see, when I watch movies and get to be moved by the story I would really sob and cry. Actually, hindi lang sa movie kahit commercial, song, anything that I could relate to and makes me sad will make me burst into tears. The thing here is when it comes to real life situations, for instance something happened that is totally out of my plan and totally ruined everything that I have worked for... I cannot find my tears. Hindi talaga ako iiyak. I do not know why.

9. SECRETIVE - I never get to open up things. It is because it is very hard for me to trust people with what I feel and think for the fear that they would not understand me. Another is that I do not want to bother them with my problems. My problems are my problems and as long as I can handle them I will keep them to myself. Well, I guess that is another reason why people would usually see me relax or whatsoever. If I can no longer handle something that would be the time that I would share them to someone but that rarely happens.

Why I Hate Summer

Here are 6 reasons why I hate summer:

1. Sobrang init.
2. There is this unwritten rule to wear sundresses, maninipis o maiiksi na damit kahit na you do not feel like wearing them.
3. Because of the heat of the sun, nakakatamad nang gumawa o kumilos.
4. You'll get sunburns all over if you do not have any sunblock.
5. You sweat all over. Sobrang uncomfortable iyong feeling na iyon.
6. The loneliest season for me ever.

Challenge #001. Day One

TEN THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY TO TEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW:

ONE: To NANAY:

1. Sorry - for being such a disappointment. I know you were expecting a lot from me but I just was not able to stand to your expectations. But you know what hurts me more? It is the fact that you do not mind the mistakes I have committed.

2. Thank you - for all the help and support, esp. for understanding my situation.


3. Do not worry - we will get through all the problems we are facing. Remember that God would not give use something that He knows we could not handle.


4. You are my idol - I know this is unnatural for me to say but that is the truth. I adore your strength and your will. You are my inspiration.


5. We will make it through - I know you are having a hard time to make ends meet. And with the presence of haters out there, it is even harder to bare. But we will make it through, we will work things out.

dying

I am dying to see you. Sobra. Bakit? Gusto ko lang. Gusto ko kasing may makausap. Gusto ko kasing may asarin. Gusto ko kasing may makasamang kumain, manuod ng movie, mag star gazing. Gusto ko. Kaso, mukhang malabo ng mangyari iyon kasi kahit na marami akong gusto hindi a ko demanding na tao. I am not proud of being like that pero ganoon na ako, eh. So, do not worry hindi ako magdedemand ng kahit na ano. Akin na lang ito. I will keep all of these to myself without any intention of telling you, ever. 

Sabi ko na nga ba, eh, na masama na nasanay akong lagi kang nandyan; masama na nasanay ako masyado sa presenya mo. Kainis. 

why, oh, why my gulay?

Bakit ba when it comes to someone you really, really like you just can't help yourself not to make asa? You know, iyong tipong konting lambing lang mula sa kanya, pagiging sweet, and caring and all; sobrang iniisip mo na maybe he or she has feelings for you din. Pero at the back of your mind merong boses na nagsusumigaw at nagsasabing:

... "ISTOP! LOOK and LISTEN, bebe! Nakakalimutan mo na ba na 'friends' nga kayo? So, it is natural lang for him or her to be malambing and caring! Do not dare to make asa 'cause you might get hurt in the end. Do not read between the lines because you are always going to be bias..."

And the rest is history. Feeling ko kasi alam nyo naman na ang susunod dyan --- ang mahabang litanya at mala-nobelang reasoning ng utak kung bakit hindi ka pwedeng umasa dahil masasaktan ka lang; dahil hindi kayo bagay; dahil langit sya, lupa ka; at kung anu- ano pang kadramahan sa buhay at pang-iinsulto at pang mamaliit sa sarili upang marealize mo na kung ano man iyang nararamdaman mo ay mali at wala dapat na puntahan.

PERO, NGUNIT, DATAPWAT, SUBALIT, BUT: 

...Hindi lang naman tayo puro utak, sympre may puso din na hindi naman magpapatalo. Ito naman ang magpapaalala na  wala naman masama kung may maramdaman ka sa kanya. Wala namang masama na magkagusto ka sa kanya. Natural lang iyon. Some time in your life you will fall for someone and not being true to yourself about it is just going against nature --- against human nature. We are beings created out of love and and it is our obligation to multiply that love by sharing it, by giving it (naks! english).

Ito ang mga bagay na gugulo sa magulo mo ng buhay kapag in-LABabo ka. At dahil nga windang na ang mundo sa kakakaisip, you will go make it kwento na to your prends and asks for advise. Ano naman ang sasabihin ng mga friendship? Marami. Mahaba. Mabigat. Hindi ko na iisa-isahin dahil in the end kahit gaano man kalaman at kahaba ng mga advise nila sa iyo, ikaw pa rin naman ang magdedecide.

Uuwi ka. Dideretso sa kwarto. Mag-iisip. Sasakit and ulo dahil hindi kinaya ng utak mo ang malalim at mahabang pag-iisip. Manunuod na lang ng TV para madistract. La epek. Punta sa kama. Magmumuni-muni kuno. Babalikan ang mga suggestion at i-we-weigh ang mga ito. La epek parin. Matutulog na lang siguro baka bukas wala na ito. 

TULOG. ZZZZzzzzz..

Kinabukasan, hindi na maaalala ang problema ng nagdaang gabi. Papasok na sa (iskol, opis, wateber). Ang gaan ng feeling. Tapos out of the blue biglang makakasabay mo siya (please pick one): sa paglalakad/ sa pagsakay sa tricyle/ sa jeep/ sa bus/ sa pagpasok sa building ng (iskol, opis, wateber)/ sa elevator... at bigla na namang nagulo ang tahimik mong mundo. Your heart skip a beat. Your sweating all of the sudden. Everything seems so bright. There is music everywhere. And you seem to think that you are the only people in the world. 

WALA NA. Sabog ka na. 

JAR OF HEARTS by Christina Perri

Who Do You Think You Are?
...

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

STILL...

... not a single sign of life.

The day is about to end but not a single word is heard from you. I am starting to lose the remaining hopes I have. What could have happened? Why haven't you showed yourself to me? Have I done something that displeased you? If that is so, I did not mean it, whatever it was. 

Waiting

" I don't wanna wait in vain for you love."

- a song that suddenly popped outta my mind when I was about to write this post. Anyway, just wanted to release the frustration I'm feeling right now. For the whole day I have been waiting but to my dismay I have gotten not a single sign from you. It really felt SH*T. But to top that is the fact that here I am still waiting. 

Oooh! Why have I gotten myself into this?! From the beginning I know that it will all end this way but I ignored it and hoped that this will an exception but hell no! If only I could let myself believe that there is no use in waiting and that I should stop. 

Seriously!!!

Seriously, the wind is freaking me out. I wish I was asleep so I can no longer be aware of its strength but I just cannot sleep. Oh, and it keeps on just getting stronger and stronger! F**ck**g wind!

Freaking Scary

It is really scary tonight. The wind blows so hard that it seems our neighbor's roof would go bye-bye. It is also raining but that did not bother me, it is all about the wind. Yeah, I'm kinda enjoying the coldness of the weather but it scares me to hear the hard blows the wind makes, especially because I am all alone tonight and for the rest of summer. This actually made me think of how am I gonna be when I am already working. Naisip ko kasi na kapag nagtatatrabaho na ako mag-isa pa rin naman ako kaya this would serve as a training ground for me. Yeah, another way to distract myself from thinking how alone am I. 

Sleep-Over (at my place)

I asked him to sleep at my place tomorrow night. This is all new to me. I’m not usually the one who asks for that, it is usually the guy. I do not know what gotten into me, I just felt the urge to say it and said it right there and then. Well, at least it worked, I guess. He said we would try so I am assuming and hoping that he really will. 

#001. A 10 Day Challenge

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

Nananaginip ng Gising

THE THINKING BABY..
pareho kami ni baby na cute, este, na lumilipad ang utak at nanaginip ng gising. HEHE...

Nasa kwarto, nag- iisa, nagbabasa parin ng Noli. Hindi na nga ako makausad kasi kung saan-saang lugar at kung sinu- sinong tao ang naiisip ko. Nananaginip ng gising kumbaga. Hay, ewan. Dati pa naman akong ganito pero nakokontrol ko kapag kailangang- kailangan ko ng tapusin ang isang bagay pero hindi na ngayon. Kapag distracted na ako tuloy-tuloy na iyon, kabadtrip nga eh. Ang dami ko tuloy hindi nagagawa.

Ano naman ang bumabagabag sa akin ngayon? Well, na-imagine ko na naman na I was teaching at a school. Iyong school kung saan ako nag-high school. Hindi naman sa gusto ko maging teacher, ayaw ko nga iyon kasi alam ko kung anong kalokohan ang pinanggagawa ng mga estuyante sa mga teachers nila kapag nakatalikod ang mga ito. So bakit nga gusto ko? Simple, I want to...

HABAMBUHAY

a song by Yeng Constantino. Its my LSS for almost two days now. Here are the lyrics:

HABAMBUHAY..
simple but sweet.

Anong ligaya ang nadarama,
Pag ika'y kasama na puso ko'y walang pangamba
Pangako ko, pag-ibig ko'y iyong iyo
Saan man makarating, ikaw lang ang mamahalin

[Chorus:]
Habambuhay, ikaw at ako ang magkasama
Sa hirap at ginhawa
Habambuhay, sumpa ko'y ikaw lang walang iba
Pangako ko ito, habambuhay

The Four Competence of Leadership by Warren Bennis

LEADER..
...

- one of the many readings in my PI 100 class this summer. I found it very useful and so consider posting it here.

After several years of observation and conversation, I have defined four competencies evident to some extent in every member of the group. They are:

• management of attention – vision, goal, direction;

• management of meaning – the creation of meaning, communication;

• management of trust – constancy and focus;

• management of self - knowing one's skills, and deploying them effectively, failure viewed as mistake, loss, stumbe, etc but not actually failure .

The following, on the other hand, are my own interpretation of what the reading wants to say:

1. Management of Attention

- a clear vision, goal or direction to where a leader wants his or her organization to be is vital. This is because it would be his vision or goal that would attract his or her members in performing tasks to achieve that goal in the most efficient and effective way.

drawings 003

Made-up..
at times when you feel the whole world is against you

drawings 002

MADE-UP..
hindi naman talaga ako kaliwete, echus lang iyan. *smiles*

drawings 001

NO PENCIL USED..
not usually used to draw without using a pencil so its kinda disfigured but then again its a good start...

No Denial

I cannot deny the fact na nagtampo ako sa pang-iindyan mo na naman sa akin. To think na ikaw pa ang nagyaya na umalis kagabi at magkaroon tayo ng last bonding together kasi nga may work kana at baka matagalan pa bago ulit tayo magkita. I waited for you to text me but you didn’t. Nakatulog narin ako sa pag- aantay sa iyo. Siguro nga I was partly to blame rin kasi naman di man lang kita tinext buong araw to inform you na hindi ko nakalimutan ang usapan natin. Pero you should know by now na when it comes to you, wala talaga akong nakakalimutan. Hay..

JUST RESTLESS

I feel so restless just being here in my room with nothing to do but read Noli Me Tangere as a requirement of a subject I’m taking-up this summer. Reading a line in the part of Elias and Salome (Chapter 25) kinda lifted my spirit, it says:

          ”...but hers is not a beauty which instantly arrests attention at sight. She is like of those little flowers in the field without color or fragrance, on which we step unwittingly, and whose beauty manifests itself to us only when we examine them with care—unknown flowers, flowers of elusive perfumes.”

This line describes the kind of beauty Salome has. I do not know but it seems that I can relate to this. Maybe because I believe that this is also the kind of beauty I have—something that needs a second look to be appreciated, to be observed first to be valued, and to be truly seen to be loved. 

drawings 004

I’ve drew this last night. Well, aside from the fact that I was really bored that time, I was also thinking of you - I kinda missed you. At dahil kapag nagbobonding tayong dalawa ay nag-i-ice cream tayo... iyan ang naisip ko. *sigh*

ICE CREAM..
just missing the old times. sigh.